life is too short. kiss slowly, love deeply, & forgive quickly

If you didn't have pain, you wouldn't know what good felt like.

2008-05-27T23:35:11Z

I feel so bad for my little sister. Her boyfriend moved away to his dads last year (another state). He was getting into too much trouble for him mom to handle. They’re still together and everything but now this hoe got a hold of his myspace password and put herself in front of my little sister. I was like wtf? I went on the girls myspace and she stole my sister’s pictures of her boyfriend and put them on hers and saying I love my man. She’s freaking psycho. It really is crazy. My little sister messaged the girl and asked her who the hell she was, the girls like he’s mine, no that. It really makes no sense. My sister’s boyfriend is so whipped. So I don’t think he really knows what’s going on, he never goes on myspace. Him and I are friends and everything. He would come over when she wasn’t home and everything but I’m a little pissed at him. Why the hell would you just give your myspace password out? It’s like are you freakin dumb?

Sorry I know this doesn’t make any sense but I just get really pissed when someone hurts my sister. She’s at work now but she keeps calling me, I can tell that she really just wants to cry. Anyway sorry for the rant, I’m about to message this bitch and kill her…jk…about the killing part. : ) I know it’s a little immature of me but she’s my little sister and I’d do anything for her. Even if it means being immature.

XOXO

she's classy unlike all the other girls.
she knows herself & she knows she's not perfect,
but she spends her time having fun and
doing the best she can with what she's go

& the hardest things to say are the things that mean the most

2008-05-26T22:37:06Z

I’m a little disappointed in my eldest sister. I had this little get together at my house last night and everyone was hanging out by the fire outside, expect for her. My other sister and her friend brought over some alcohol and everyone was drinking. Anyway I let my oldest sister use my cell phone to call her boyfriend because she was inside and I kind of felt bad that she was just being anti-social but I didn’t call her out on it or anything. I spent my fair share of days hanging by myself. Well this morning I was checking my text messages because she has the tendency to not tell me if I get anyway while she has my phone. I found one that she sent to her boyfriend. She was telling him how she was drinking and that she didn’t ask my mom. My sister has a drinking problem and isn’t allowed to drink while she’s living here for obvious reasons. I can’t believe that we were that stupid to leave her alone in the house with the alcohol, I guess I know why she didn’t want to come outside. You know I’ve covered for her many times. I’ve done things that I shouldn’t have because of her. I know that I should say something to my mom but I really don’t want to. It’s like even though you know that you’re only trying to help you still feel like you have some obligation for covering for your siblings.

…and my step-dad is telling me that I don’t have to watch her…well obviously someone has to.

On a brighter note, thirteen more days till I go to Florida! I think that I bought everything that I need but I won’t know till I actually get there. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is packing. My mom hates me for this but I don’t do it till the night before I leave. I can never decide what to take and what to leave behind. They always complain that I bring way too many shoes and that I don’t wear them all. I don’t know if any one else is like this but I’m a mood dresser, I dress for my mood. I don’t know how I’m going to feel every morning I wake up so I have to bring everything…lol. I should probably make some sort of list of what I want to take. So at least my mom doesn’t go completely crazy. One time I just lied and said I was already packed but then she asked me to bring my suitcase out…didn’t work how I wanted it to.

Well anyway I think I’m going to go outside and play around with my basketball, I haven’t played in forever and I’m sure I suck now.

XOXO

You never know how much
you need your friends in life
until you look down the rope
and realize how many knots they've tied
just to keep you from slipping

you don't recover from a night like this.

2008-05-26T06:02:57Z

I just had one of those seriously deep conversations with my step-dad. I really hate them because he has the tendency to make me feel guilty for making them worry so much about me. I know that's not his intention but it's what happens. Apparently I've showing some "warning signs" for my depression. I've been spending a little too much time in my room for their liking. He wanted to talk to me sooner about it but he was concerned that it would be too much of a depressing topic for me. He didn't want me "more" depressed about it.
I'm lacking drive.
I really can't argue with him there. I am. I'm...I guess sucking at life, right now.
I'm spending too much time at home watching over my twenty four year old sister. I don't really mean to do it but if I'm here I can make sure nothing happens. I'll be able to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid, like cut herself again.
I need a job.
If I get a job I'll have direction. I'll get out of this "rut". I don't know. It's not so simple when you've been battling depression since the age of thirteen. He got my little sister a job at his work but he doesn't want me working there because he wants me to finish college. I've been dreaming of becoming a writer since I was like twelve. My writing as actually sucked lately and thats probably why I haven't really picked up a pen in over a month.
I guess I'm just scared of failing.
I mean it's a tough world and I have way too many dreams. I don't know. Anyway I'm a little inspired but depressed by the talk. I really hate seriousness. Which reminds me he thinks that I'd be better at writing comedy because I'm a naturally funny person. It's funny for someone who has been through so much shit in life that I've find a joke in everything.
I'm going to start writing again, and actually try.
Wanna know something funny? My step-dad tells me that I shouldn't "baby-sit" my oldest sister and yet my mom asks me to bring her along on my forth of July weekend plans. They're going camping but I wanted to stay behind because I wanted to be with my friends on the 4th of July and so my sister decided to stay to. My mom doesn't want her to be alone at the house.
She doesn't know of my talk with my step-dad.
Obviously.
So hard to go a step forward when people keep pulling you in deferent directions.
Sorry for the depressing post.

XOXO

But then summer comes. It always does.
And she realizes she has true friends &
that nothing can beat those summer
days and nights that are spent with the
waves crashing & the sand between her toes

i think the reason people keep pictures is because, unlike the people in them, they never change

2008-05-23T06:45:48Z

Alright so I'm convinced that I'm going to embarrass myself no matter where I go. My two best friends and I went to this pizza place to obviously get some pizza. Anyway when we were done eating we were leaving and I slid over this water right when a bunch of guys were walking in. I wanted to die...
Smooth I know...lol
It was pretty embarrassing. It's a good think that I didn't know any of them. : )
It was kinda funny though because one of them told me to lay off the bottle...lol..

XOXO

The thing about life that I've learned is that you're going to get hurt.
You're going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours.
You're going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss.
But you will also have those moments where you heal.
Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again.
You feel like you're alive again.
Life just kind of restarts.

even if the words they say aren't true, they've won. now i'm left here dying inside.

2008-05-22T03:01:07Z

I can't help but feel like something weird is going on. Last Friday I got into my first fight with my best friend and I'm pretty sure that we're over it. Whatever. Anyway I went onto facebook Monday and I saw that she wrote a comment on one of her close friend's wall (I'm friends with this girl to) and it said "thanks for letting me vent to you on Friday". Okay I'm many things but not stupid, I know she was talking about me. I'm not mad about it because well we all need someone to talk to. But then something strange happened today when I went on facebook. This girl who I met through the girl my best friend talked to sent me this sticker. It said "Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply mean you're two steps ahead of them". Now I haven't talked to this girl since I met her, so we're not really friends. I just know her, if you know what I mean. I can't help but feel this isn't a coincidence. I mean it'll be pretty messed up if all these people know of our fight (it was stupid to). I'm okay with venting, everyone needs to do it but if she's still talking shit about it I'll be pretty pissed. I don't know, maybe I'm reading to much into this. But it's like why would this girl I don't talk to send me a sticker that says that only a couple days after the fight? I mean could she be trying to tell me that my best friend is talking behind my back? I don't know, I could just be going crazy. I probably am but I can't see why the girl would out of the blue send me something like that.

Okay I'm really starting to sound paranoid....

XOXO

Maybe she's a little scared
to get close to anyone
because everyone who ever said
"I'll always be there" left.

I think the worst feeling is being forgotten about, by someone you will never forget.

2008-05-13T04:04:45Z

I don't remember the last time I posted here...
I feel like losing my best friend. She's becoming so consumed by her boyfriend. She never calls or wants to hang out anymore. I swear she's always with him. When she does call, she's with him. When I call, she's with him or she'll be on the other line with him or he's on his way over. I'm not exaggerating either. Today she called me and I was really happy that she did because I really haven't talked to her in a long time. She was on her way to work so I knew that she wasn't with her boyfriend but then when she got to work she noticed that she was early. So she said that she had to go because she wanted to surprise him at work. He works like two stores away from her. I really feel like I have no real friends like close ones anymore. They seem to be slipping away. I’m just really excited for my other best friend to come home from college on Saturday. Maybe now that summer’s coming everything go back to normal.

On a brighter note there’s 26 days till I go to Florida and one month till my 20^th birthday! (But who’s counting?)

XOXO

You don't have to be tough every
minute of every day. It's okay to let
down your guard. In fact, there's moments
when it's the best thing you could possibly do;
as long as you choose those moments wisely

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

2008-04-29T04:39:01Z

I'm getting so frustrated with everything. I can't find a job. : (
My best friend has a new boyfriend. It's like I'm in a viscous circle. It's the same thing I went through with my other best friend. She's gone all MIA on me. It's so weird because we used to talk about how pissed off that Ashley was freakin' not calling and was always with her bf. Now she's the one who's doing it. Wtf? She's seriously always with him! When I call her she's with him, when she calls me she's with him. He freakin' even goes to her work a lot! They've been dating for three weeks and already they say "I love you". Sound familiar?
I don't even want to get started on my older sister. Things just don't change.
I'm having a hard time controlling myself with everything. I'm trying to get into shape for summer. I'm either working out like crazy or eating everything. I'm not fat or overweight or anything I'm just really trying to get back all my muscle that I used to have. I just really depressed about things and then...I don't know. I'm just glad I haven't started cutting but sometimes I really start thinking about it and wanting to badly. But I haven't which is good. It's weird because it'll come out of nowhere to. I could be at the store and all the sudden I'll get the urge to do it. I seriously thought I was over all this. I was sixteen the last time I did it and I stopped cause my cuz made me promise not to do it anymore. So I really can't do it.
Ugh, anyway, I don't want to make it seem like it's all horrible.
I'm getting $600 back in my tax refund. I'm going to use it as spending money in Florida and for my tattoo. : ) I can't wait!
I might be getting the ipod touch for my birthday. Either then or for Chirstmas but I hope not because that's too long to wait.
My birthday is in one month, two weeks and one day! Can't wait, I'll be in Florida!
Oh and one of my best friend's coming home from college in two weeks and school is almost done!
SUMMER!

XOXO
hold on, baby you're losing it
the waters high, your jumping into it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
that you might not be the golden one
and your tied together with a smile.*
but your coming undone

You must not have a life if you're always talking about mine...

2008-04-13T06:19:08Z

I did my taxes today! Well I sat by mystep dad while he did mine, lol. I know I'm ~~almost~~ twenty and I don't do my own taxes. It's not my fault though I just don't understand all that crap that they're talking about. Usaully he ~~makes~~ me punch in the munbers and stuff but he was in a rush today so I didn't have to do it. I was ~~freaking~~ out yesterday though becasue I couldn't find my W-2. I had my little sister's for some reason. I trashed the house looking for them..~~oops~~. I cleaned it back up when I was done doing my taxes I can't stand a mess. I have like OCD when it comes to that. I used to be really bad too. In high school I used to wake up in the ~~middle~~ of the night and start cleaning my room. My mom would get mad at me because her closet is behind mine and I would wake her up. When I was in the hospital they told me that I would do that because of my ~~anixty~~ disorder. I just felt like everything was so messed up and that was the one thing that I could control. I guess that ~~makes~~ sense but in the end I'm still crazy .

My little sister bought my sister her ipod but they don't make the old ~~ipod~~ nanos anymore so she got her that newer one. I just ~~don't~~ like how it looks. It's square and it's just weird but I also like it. It's has a cooler screen and I like how the programs are. Lol, yeah I’m a ~~nerd~~.

XOXO

If I don't cry, Do you think I don't feel?
If I look away, it doesn't mean I don't see,
And just because I want someone when I'm alone,
Doesn't mean I'm helpless,
That I can't stand on my own.

BAD MOOD

2008-04-11T20:59:32Z

I'm kinda in a bad mood today. I don't really know why. It's just one of those days, so I ~~locked~~ myself up in my room. I'm not really in the mood to talk to ~~anyone~~. I snapped at my sister this morning because she took my ~~phone~~ last night without asking. I was sitting right there when she left, it's like wtf ASK to take my shit. I don't like fighting so I just decided that I'm going to stay away from everyone.

Yesterday my house was like world war III. My ~~little~~ sister and oldest sister got into a huge fight and some how I got into it to. My little sister lost my older sister's ipod. This is the third ipod she's lost. She lost her own, a friend of her's and now my sisters. My sister got so pissed and then other things were brought up that were missing. My older sister started saying that she was too nice and everyone takes advantage of her. I was like are you fucking kidding me? You're ~~too~~ nice? What the hell about me? You abuse my shit just as much as us. They broke my $200 straighter and she always takes my phone. I never have it and on and on and on. I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm guilty for runing my ~~sister's~~ stuff too but they are just horrible sometimes. I wasn't really yelling. I was just stating facts because I HATE fighting. It just seems so ~~pointless~~ now. I've fought in the past but now I'm just over everything. ~~Anyway~~ they were yelling back and forth. I was getting aggravated because my mom wasn't home so she couldn't stop it and my step dad was in his music room playing the drums.

Anyway I think I'm going to take a walk and get out of the ~~house~~ for a bit.

XOXO

Just say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don’t expect someone to read your mind, and don’t play games with heads or hearts.
Don’t tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out.
Half truths are no better than lies.
Don’t be cold to someone you care about,
indifference hurts more than angry words

I'd like to wish all my troubles away, but nothing besides troubles come easy.

2008-04-08T04:12:09Z

Ew I'm so disgusted right now. I let my sister use my cell phone all the time now and when I took it to make a phone call I checked my texts and I found some pretty disgusting text messages. They were like having text sex on MY phone!! I'm so pissed. They should have more respect for others property. I would never do something like that on someone else's phone. It's gross. Hey boyfriend just pisses me off because he's always calling and texting my phone like he expects her to have it. So now I'm taking my phone with me. It may not seem like a big deal to some but I'm getting sick of people disrespecting my property. My sisters broke my $200 straightener. Half of the handle is coming off. Yeah I don't know how they did that either.

XOXO

I know it's over
~~but~~ the hurts not

If you're a mistake... I swear, you're the best mistake I've ever made.

2008-04-07T18:33:35Z

I was so happy today! The weather was awesome! It was so nice out, I had all my windows open. ~~Unfortunately~~ it was "spring cleaning" time so I wasn't able to hang outside. The only ~~problem~~ I had with that was I was the only one cleaning inside. My parents and older sister were ~~working~~ in the garden. Yeah, I don't know how I got screwed with the inside either. It was ~~probably~~ because I sleep in and I wasn't around when all this was decided. Yea, lucky me.

; P

My little ~~sister~~ some how got off the hook and went over to a friends house. Did I mention how lucky I am? Anyway my friend ~~came~~ over with her baby, giving me a little break. He's so adorable! He's gotten so big within the month. It's so crazy how ~~babies~~ grow so fast.

I hope tomorrow the weather is warm because I'm thinking about taking up running again. I need to get back in shape for summer...Two more months and I'm gonna be in Florida, so excited!

Buh by!

It's the kind of relationship where we have a secret
handshake, and she begs him to watch Disney movies
with her, while he begs her to watch a scary movie
instead. Its where they laugh and joke all the time, but
they're serious when the time is to be serious.
Its where neither of them have to say
"I love you" because they know with
all their hearts that they love each other.
Its where they can mess around on her couch,
and then she'll laugh at him when he
tries not to look guilty in front of her dad.
Its the kind of love that everyone dreams of.

Tired of trying, sick of crying. Yeah, I'm smiling, but inside, I'm dying.

2008-04-05T23:04:01Z

I’m not gonna lie, this week sucked. I finally freaked out and it all happened because my sister and mom broke my favorite mirror. I know stupid but if you’ve had the week I’ve had you’d understand. So anyway my sister bought a desk for her computer and my mom was helping her put it together. My mirror is hanging on the wall that me and my sister share. (her room is right next to mine.) Anyway they were hammering shit against my wall and my mirror fell and broke. I didn’t find it until I came into my room and saw it shattered on my floor. I swear to god I started to cry. I know, overdramatic. But this wasn’t like a mirror were you look at yourself. It had like designs on it and stuff. It cost a lot of money. Once it broke I just crashed. I’ve been keeping so much bottled up right now and this was the last thing I needed. So I yell at my mom and sister and all my mom has to say is “Sorry”. That’s all she said “Sorry”. Like that was going to make me feel better. That’s when I started to cry but not in front of them. I’ve had that mirror for a long time and it’s so typical for it to break because of my family.

Oh and another thing, last night my sister went to this depression support group with my mom. I found out that my mom was talking about me with them. She told them that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and that I wasn’t on my medication anymore and that I’m fine now. I guess they were all fucking amazed or something like I’m super woman. With my depression you usually stay on meds for the rest of your life. Which is way I went off them. I refused to be on meds for the rest of my life. She told them how I had a physiatrist and therapist at the same time and how I went to all these groups and stuff. I didn’t tell her but I’m mad at her for talking about me because now that want to meet me. That’s not going to happen because I’m not going to lie to them. Life sucks and I still get depressed but it’s just how you handle it. I know I’m not an expert at it because I still hold a lot of stuff in but I’m learning to let feel my feelings and not just push them back.

Anyway next time my mom goes to some meeting I would love it if she talked about herself and not about me. I think there’s enough people in the world that know I’m crazy. : ) lol.

XOXO

There's someone in her past that she hasn't gotten over yet.
Each day is like the last & she misses what she can't forget.
It's just an empty space where something used to be.
Now she guards the gate, but she's lost the key.
No one enters, but no one leaves.

when she started playing loud music we all knew her heart was broken

2008-04-05T01:23:05Z

OMG! I just literally freaked out! My sister doesn't have her phone right now because of the accident so her boyfriend is texting and calling her on my phone. Anyway he texted my phone thinking that she had it saying that he had to tell her something and that he was in love with someone else. I was like wtf?! Why is he texting this ~~now~~ when I'm reading it and what kind of man are you when you can't even call the girl and say it to her face. I wanted to bitch him out but I didn't. When my sister ~~didn't~~ text him back he was like it's Britney Spears, so it was a joke. Damn him! I thought he was serious. I was ~~freaking~~ out. I didn't know if I should tell her or pretend I never got it. ~~Anyway~~ I don't like him anyway so it wouldn't have been that big of a loss but my sister loves him. He's lucky he was joking cause I would have killed him for hurting my sister.

Anyway my sister and my mom went to a support group for depression and other stuff. My sister asked me to come but I didn't. I feel horrible for saying no because I know that she just wanted to be to there with her but there's just ~~something~~ about being in that kind of environment again that scares me. I hope this doesn't make me a horrible sister because I really do want to be there for her. It's just ~~going~~ to take time. I guess I finally understand why my one sister didn't want anything to do with the hospital I was in for my depression. She hated going there and disagreed with my parents about putting me in it. I guess she was just scared for herself.

XOXO

The girl that seemed unbreakable, broke.
The one who seemed so strong, crumbled.
The girl who always laughed it off, cried.
And the girl who never stopped trying,
finally quit

Theres a part in everyday where I lie 2 myself & say that its ok cuz if I dont I think Ill go insane

2008-04-04T04:10:04Z

I'm a little depressed right now. Things just keep getting worse and I don't know how to handle all this shit going on. Saturday morning at six a cop called the house saying that my oldest sister was ~~arrested~~. She flipped her car over some how. She didn't ~~hit~~ another car, thank god but she was arrested for driving on a suspended licenses because she has a DUI. She swore that she wasn't driving and like a fool we all believed her. I feel kind of stupid right now. Out of all of us I should have known that she was lying. Anyway he said that bail was at $2,500 ~~because~~ she never made her court dates for the first DUI so there was a warrant out for her arrest. Yeah sure I'll just pull that much money out of my ass. At this point I'm pretty pissed at my sister. For one she could have gotten herself killed. She completely totaled her car. She was lucky ~~enough~~ to walk away from that car with just a couple cuts and some back pains. Two, my family and I can't ~~afforded~~ that shit.

Anyway when we went to her court ~~hearing~~ or whatever it was we found out she was being charged with another DUI. This shit is fucked up. We could only afford the $300 bail for the county she was arrested in. So she would be transferred to the county that had the warrant out for her arrest. My mom was seriously ~~crying~~ because she didn't want her to be transferred to another county jail. I guess it was a bad jail or somethin. Anyway we called everyone we ~~could~~ think of. We could only drive back home and do nothing. (We live an hour and a half away.) When we got home I took a nap and when I woke up my parents and sister got the ~~money~~ to bail her out so we rushed the hour and a half there so we could beat the county transfer. Long story short we got her out and now my mom is making her go to rehab.

I'm so stressed because this has been ~~going~~ on for a couple days. My mom has taken off two days from work and she really can't be doing that. And it was my ~~little~~ sister's 18th birthday yesterday so I tried to make it a good one. I tried to get her mind off of everything. It could have went ~~better~~ but I did the best I could.

I'm not handling everything well but I feel like my parents really don't need me going all ~~crazy~~ again. It's kind of funny really because we went to take my sister to see a psychologist today and when he came out he looked at me like I was the one who came to see him. I was like is there some kind of tattoo on my head that says psycho? Cause I've spent enough time in psychiatrist offices and therapist. And yes they are ~~different~~ because I had one of each at the same time.

My step Dad asked me if I was okay with all this, all I could say was I'm fine. What was I supposed to say? No, acually I'm really freaking out in the inside. I mean my sister could go to jail for up to a year. How the hell am I supposed to be okay with this? I can't tell them how I really feel ~~because~~ I'd have to admit that I haven't been okay for a whole year, ever since that day she cut herself things haven't been the same.

Well I'm too tired to be ~~talking~~ about this anymore.

Later.

i've changed so much lately.
every single day i wake up different.
i feel like i'm fading with each step i take.
all everyone else sees are smiles;
they say i'm doing much better,
but i know i'm doing much worse

sick as a dog

2008-03-17T20:53:20Z

I've been sick for days now. My head keeps pounding and pounding. None of the medcations I'm taking are working. All I've been doing is laying down and trying to sleep. I feel like I'm dying. This is the first time that I've been able to sit up without my head exloding. Hopefully I get better soon.

XOXO

the more feelings you show, the more people can find ways to hurt you

2008-03-10T02:57:05Z

So I went to the south side irish parade today. Cops were being completely gay, they made everyone empty their drinks. It was stupid as hell. I don't think that I ever drank so early in my life. lol.
Anyway my mom is being completely gay. She's trying to tell me who I can talk to and who I cannot. I'm almost 20 give me a fuckin break!
Ugh, I'm so made right now and I can't even type. Forget this.

XOXO

To everything that's changed and to everything that's gone away
Here are my condolences to the future I never met
It's gone and never coming back

I fear I might break, cause there’s only so much I can take

2008-03-09T07:06:58Z

I’m trying to not think so negative anymore. It just seems to bring my mood down. I really hate being moody, it makes everything harder than it has to be. I really can’t help it though. I just feel so empty and angry all the time. I’d never tell her but I’m mostly angry at my older sister…she has no idea the damage I’ve done to myself to help her. She just makes me so angry! She acts like no one cares about her, like she’s all alone or something. It’s like are you freakin kidding me? I don’t care!? Bullshit. I was the only one home that day when she decided to get a little to friendly with that pocket knife. I was the one who got her to the hospital, I was the one who sat there while they sewed up her arm. God it took me forever to convince her to freakin sign the papers so they could sew up her arm. Yeah she wouldn’t sign them! She just kept saying how she wanted to go home. Okay, buddy you can’t just go home with a hole in your wrist. What the fuck? I want to scream at her for being an idiot and being all “poor me”. Excuse me but I was the one who was sitting by your side when you didn’t want me to call mom or anyone else. I wanna tell her how I’m still mad at her for telling mom I was over reacting about the whole thing when she finally let me call her. But she doesn’t have any idea what she’s done. She didn’t learn anything in the hospital. Instead she just sits there and tells everyone that they’re over reacting. That her drinking isn’t a problem. Yet it’s funny how I spent months waiting till six in the morning until she got home, just so I know that she was alive. Even if that meant getting no sleep before work or class. But I guess that means I don’t care. She has no idea what it’s like to have to kick strange guys out of the house and her not remembering anything the next morning. In a month and six days it will be a year since she cut herself and she’s still pulling this crap. She can’t say that I don’t understand what she’s going through. I’ve been in the hospital for depression. I’ve been through what she’s been through but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. The day I got out of the hospital I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get like that again. I worked so hard to get my life back but she’s dragging me right back down into the hole. I’d never tell her, of course. It’ll only depress her more. Damn it, just writing about it makes me want to start crying. It’s been hell and though she’s getting better she still knows how to make me feel like I’ve done nothing to help her when I’ve done everything I can. Anyway I just needed to get that off my chest. The anniversary of it is just making me go crazy. I hate thinking about it but it’s always on my mind. It’s weird because we never talk about it. Not even once. It’s like once she got out of the hospital it never happened. But I still dream about it every night or every other night that is when I do sleep. I can never sleep anymore. I think it’s all those negative thought and that’s why I want to stop thinking negative. So I can stop dreaming horrible things and finally get some sleep. Anyway I have to get up in four hours. I have this parade thing to go to.

XOXO

She hides herself with the music.
She never shows her feelings,
always keeping things bottled up inside.
I'd hate to see the day she exposes it all.
When she tells you how you've made her feel,
you'll never be able to look at her the same way again.

She felt far from okay, but sometimes the biggest lies slip out easier than the truth.

2008-03-04T05:46:08Z

I'm so tired today. Work was boooorrrriiinnnggg. All did was count shit all day. Yeah boring. I wanted to shoot myself. People kept coming up to the door wanting to come in. I was like uh where the hell were you when we needed you. It's actually really funny that people kept trying to open the door when there were like five signs saying we're closed. Yeah idiot try to yank it open, give it another yank maybe it will open if you do it hard enough. I swear people are idiots.

Anyway I'm sooo tired. I'm gonna go to sleep...

XOXO

To everything that's changed and to everything that's gone away
Here are my condolences to the future I never met
It's gone and never coming back

Maybe we have to let go of who we are to become who we will be

2008-03-01T04:45:15Z

Everything happens for a reason...
I'm trying so hard to believe that right now because it's all I have at the moment. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. Things are just pilling up. I lie to cover up lies which is stupid. I've just realized something about myself, I lie when it's just as easy to tell the truth. It's like a habit of mine. Maybe it's because I can't handle people getting to close to me so I lie about something so they only think they know me but I know they don't.
It's been ten months since I took my sister to the hospital for cutting herself yet I still can't get the image out of my head. I seriously think I'm going mad. I mean it. I get so morbid about it that sometimes I start to wonder about what if she didn't call me? What if she just finished the job? It just gets me more messed up. I think about all the times since then that we've had and think, that would have never have happened. Ugh, I know I'm morbid. I gotta stop thinking about death but it seems to pop out of nowhere and usually it's about my family.
I think my sister feels safe opening up to me because I've been in the mental hospital to. It's not that I don't want her to open up to me but sometimes I feel like she's crazy. Yeah right it's like calling the Pot calling the kettle black. Who am I to judge when I've been there before? But sometimes the things she says really worries me. The things she does worries me. Oh and another thing...I know this may seem a little normal for people now but she met her boyfriend from myspace....she loves him...he loves her...they haven't met. And my sister is really pretty, she's modeled before, so she has not reason to meet boyfriends online.
Well anyway tomorrow is the last day my store is open. It's pretty sad. I've worked with these people for years now and it's all over. This sucks...

XOXO

Sometimes all you can do is not think. not wonder. not obsess. not imagine. just breathe. breathe in, breathe out. everything works out in the end and the more you worry about it, the longer it's going to take for things to end perfectly, just the way they should.

She smiled in a big way; the way a girl like that smiles, when the world is hers

2008-02-26T06:43:30Z

Work is sooo boring. There's nothing to do now that we're closing. Nobody comes there anymore. I just stand around doing nothing. So I start silly string fights, confetti fights, or water gun fights. I can't say that I completely hate having nothing to do because I love playing with the play doe or coloring in the coloring books. lol. It's like I'm a little kid again but I love it. I love my new general manager, he's awesome. He let's me take anything I want.
Anyway I'm kind of nervous to start a new job. I won't be starting for a while but it’s going to be weird working with make-up instead of kid’s party things.

XOXO

Boys will break your heart. Friends will betray you. Parents will seem too strict and life will annoy you. But you should always remember that there's a purpose for these things to be happening to us. So keep your head up and your spirits high because if you don't, life will just pass you by.

Life is made up of years that meant nothing & the moments that meant it all

2008-02-13T22:16:03Z

My friend had her baby on the 7th. He's so adorable! I want to steal him...but I won't. She'd know it was me anyway. It's funny how everyone wants to be like her best friend now. My whole family is like up her ass, I swear. They all want to go over and see the baby everyday. I'm like uh give her a break and let her breathe.

So I've talked to my one friend who was MIA for like the longest time. She's changed so much since she went away for college. She's now smoking weed. I don't know if she thinks she's cool or whatever but to me she's just an idiot. I don't know what it is but she has to always please everyone around her. Her boyfriend smokes weed and I think that's the reason she's doing it. I don't think he's forcing her or anything like that. Her accuse was that it's always around. WTF? Sorry but I was around it all the time in high school and I never once tried it. Now in college people try to get me to do it to but I don't. I know people change and I can't force her to stop and I'm not going to try. It's her life. She acts like it's something that you can just stop. I was talking to my little sister about it. She used to smoke everyday but now she just does it every once in a while. She told me that you just don't try weed. So I don't know....

Nothing else has really happened besides the cold weather. It’s getting colder and colder. I want to go into hibernation! Lol….

XOXO

it's funny how you can
grow away from your friends,
when just a few years ago
they were the most important
people in your life

Sometimes, to keep it together, you have to leave it alone.

2008-02-04T03:19:50Z

Just got done watching the super bowl! The Giants won! I'm so happy! It was so close I was having a heart attack! Lol....well I have to much energy to be sitting here right now...later

XOXO

They just can't take it away. We won't let it end, all of us together. Tonight I just want to spend with my friends and pray this feeling doesn't end. The years grow longer and our time is shorter but tonight is ours forever.

It's true; we block out things that we don't want to remember

2008-02-01T20:58:36Z

Yesterday it snowed ALL day. My little sister and I were outside for like hours. We were shoveling the drive way but it kept coming down so we started to mess around. We shoveled it like five time but by the time my parents came home it didn't even look like we shoveled it. I really hate winter. When I woke up this morning the drive way is filled with snow...again. I need ten hair dryers and extension cords...lol.

Well my friend's boyfriend is throwing her a baby shower tonight with his family. He called to ask if we wanted to go...I don't really want to. I'd rather wait to give her our gifts when we have our shower for her.

Well, I'm gonna go

XOXO

When you see me now,
I hope you're sorry and
I hope you regret how you hurt me.
I hope you see me with someone else
and wish it was you.
I hope you regret all you've done
and wish you could take it all back

I can't shake this feeling that I'll never get anything right.

2008-01-31T05:31:45Z

I'm finally going to have a day off of work tommorrow. I'm so sick of working.

Well anyway nothing has happend. My friend still has not had her baby. I call her everyday to see what's happening.

I swear I HATE guys. There is this guy that is trying to get me to give him my sister's number. Sorry but it ain't gonna happen. Guys just can't take no for an answer.

XOXO

Men Are Like..
-LAXATiVES; they irritate the crap out of you.
-BANANAS; the older they get, the less firm they are.
-WEATHER; nothing can be done to change them.
-BLENDERS; you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
-CH0C0. BARS; sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
-C0MMERCiALS; you can't believe a word they say.
-DEPARTMENT ST0RES; their clothes are always 1/2 off.
-G0VERN.B0NDS; they take so long to mature.
-MASCARA; they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
-P0PC0RN; they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
-SN0WST0RMS; you never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
-LAVA LAMPS; fun to look at, but not very bright.
-PARKiNG SP0TS; all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

isn't it better just 2 cling 2 the dream of what could have been, than 2 ruin everything w/ reality?

2008-01-29T21:05:08Z

Oh my god. My friend told me about the new Ipod touch. It's just like the iphone but it's not a phone. It has the ipod on it and the internet. I want it so bad, cause I'm a loser like that. Lol.

Anyway my friend has not gone into labor yet. I'm waiting patiently because I don't want him to come on a day when I'm working. I will be very mad at the little guy but I also can't wait to see him.

I'm sorta putting away the rest of the Christmas decorations. I know I'm really slow, it should have been done ages ago. I'm trying to get the house ready for the baby shower. I don't know when it's going to be yet but hopefully everything goes smoothly.

XOXO

Daylight burns your sleepy eyes. It's hard to see you dreaming. You hide inside yourself. I wondered what you're thinking and everything you're chasing, it seems to leave you empty.