Alright so I'm convinced that I'm going to embarrass myself no matter where I go. My two best friends and I went to this pizza place to obviously get some pizza. Anyway when we were done eating we were leaving and I slid over this water right when a bunch of guys were walking in. I wanted to die...
Smooth I know...lol
It was pretty embarrassing. It's a good think that I didn't know any of them. : )
It was kinda funny though because one of them told me to lay off the bottle...lol..

XOXO


The thing about life that I've learned is that you're going to get hurt.
You're going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours.
You're going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss.
But you will also have those moments where you heal.
Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again.
You feel like you're alive again.
Life just kind of restarts.

I don't remember the last time I posted here...
I feel like losing my best friend. She's becoming so consumed by her boyfriend. She never calls or wants to hang out anymore. I swear she's always with him. When she does call, she's with him. When I call, she's with him or she'll be on the other line with him or he's on his way over. I'm not exaggerating either. Today she called me and I was really happy that she did because I really haven't talked to her in a long time. She was on her way to work so I knew that she wasn't with her boyfriend but then when she got to work she noticed that she was early. So she said that she had to go because she wanted to surprise him at work. He works like two stores away from her. I really feel like I have no real friends like close ones anymore. They seem to be slipping away. I’m just really excited for my other best friend to come home from college on Saturday. Maybe now that summer’s coming everything go back to normal.

On a brighter note there’s 26 days till I go to Florida and one month till my 20^th birthday! (But who’s counting?)

My little sister bought my sister her ipod but they don't make the old ipod nanos anymore so she got her that newer one. I just don't like how it looks. It's square and it's just weird but I also like it. It's has a cooler screen and I like how the programs are. Lol, yeah I’m a nerd. 


XOXO

If I don't cry, Do you think I don't feel?
If I look away, it doesn't mean I don't see,
And just because I want someone when I'm alone,
Doesn't mean I'm helpless,
That I can't stand on my own.

Yesterday my house was like world war III. My little sister and oldest sister got into a huge fight and some how I got into it to. My little sister lost my older sister's ipod. This is the third ipod she's lost. She lost her own, a friend of her's and now my sisters. My sister got so pissed and then other things were brought up that were missing. My older sister started saying that she was too nice and everyone takes advantage of her. I was like are you fucking kidding me? You're too nice? What the hell about me? You abuse my shit just as much as us. They broke my $200 straighter and she always takes my phone. I never have it and on and on and on. I'm not saying that I'm perfect because I'm guilty for runing my sister's stuff too but they are just horrible sometimes. I wasn't really yelling. I was just stating facts because I HATE fighting. It just seems so pointless now. I've fought in the past but now I'm just over everything. Anyway they were yelling back and forth. I was getting aggravated because my mom wasn't home so she couldn't stop it and my step dad was in his music room playing the drums.

Anyway I think I'm going to take a walk and get out of the house for a bit.


XOXO


Just say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don’t expect someone to read your mind, and don’t play games with heads or hearts.
Don’t tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out.
Half truths are no better than lies.
Don’t be cold to someone you care about,
indifference hurts more than angry words

Ew I'm so disgusted right now. I let my sister use my cell phone all the time now and when I took it to make a phone call I checked my texts and I found some pretty disgusting text messages. They were like having text sex on MY phone!! I'm so pissed. They should have more respect for others property. I would never do something like that on someone else's phone. It's gross. Hey boyfriend just pisses me off because he's always calling and texting my phone like he expects her to have it. So now I'm taking my phone with me. It may not seem like a big deal to some but I'm getting sick of people disrespecting my property. My sisters broke my $200 straightener. Half of the handle is coming off. Yeah I don't know how they did that either. 

XOXO


I know it's over
but the hurts not

I was so happy today! The weather was awesome! It was so nice out, I had all my windows open. Unfortunately it was "spring cleaning" time so I wasn't able to hang outside. The only problem I had with that was I was the only one cleaning inside. My parents and older sister were working in the garden. Yeah, I don't know how I got screwed with the inside either. It was probably because I sleep in and I wasn't around when all this was decided. Yea, lucky me.

; P

My little sister some how got off the hook and went over to a friends house. Did I mention how lucky I am? Anyway my friend came over with her baby, giving me a little break. He's so adorable! He's gotten so big within the month. It's so crazy how babies grow so fast.

I hope tomorrow the weather is warm because I'm thinking about taking up running again. I need to get back in shape for summer...Two more months and I'm gonna be in Florida, so excited!

Buh by!

Anyway my sister and my mom went to a support group for depression and other stuff. My sister asked me to come but I didn't. I feel horrible for saying no because I know that she just wanted to be to there with her but there's just something about being in that kind of environment again that scares me. I hope this doesn't make me a horrible sister because I really do want to be there for her. It's just going to take time. I guess I finally understand why my one sister didn't want anything to do with the hospital I was in for my depression. She hated going there and disagreed with my parents about putting me in it. I guess she was just scared for herself. 


XOXO

The girl that seemed unbreakable, broke.
The one who seemed so strong, crumbled.
The girl who always laughed it off, cried.
And the girl who never stopped trying,
finally quit

I'm a little depressed right now. Things just keep getting worse and I don't know how to handle all this shit going on. Saturday morning at six a cop called the house saying that my oldest sister was arrested. She flipped her car over some how. She didn't hit another car, thank god but she was arrested for driving on a suspended licenses because she has a DUI. She swore that she wasn't driving and like a fool we all believed her. I feel kind of stupid right now. Out of all of us I should have known that she was lying. Anyway he said that bail was at $2,500 because she never made her court dates for the first DUI so there was a warrant out for her arrest. Yeah sure I'll just pull that much money out of my ass. At this point I'm pretty pissed at my sister. For one she could have gotten herself killed. She completely totaled her car. She was lucky enough to walk away from that car with just a couple cuts and some back pains. Two, my family and I can't afforded that shit.

Anyway when we went to her court hearing or whatever it was we found out she was being charged with another DUI. This shit is fucked up. We could only afford the $300 bail for the county she was arrested in. So she would be transferred to the county that had the warrant out for her arrest. My mom was seriously crying because she didn't want her to be transferred to another county jail. I guess it was a bad jail or somethin. Anyway we called everyone we could think of. We could only drive back home and do nothing. (We live an hour and a half away.) When we got home I took a nap and when I woke up my parents and sister got the money to bail her out so we rushed the hour and a half there so we could beat the county transfer. Long story short we got her out and now my mom is making her go to rehab.

I'm so stressed because this has been going on for a couple days. My mom has taken off two days from work and she really can't be doing that. And it was my little sister's 18th birthday yesterday so I tried to make it a good one. I tried to get her mind off of everything. It could have went better but I did the best I could.

I'm not handling everything well but I feel like my parents really don't need me going all crazy again. It's kind of funny really because we went to take my sister to see a psychologist today and when he came out he looked at me like I was the one who came to see him. I was like is there some kind of tattoo on my head that says psycho? Cause I've spent enough time in psychiatrist offices and therapist. And yes they are different because I had one of each at the same time. 

My step Dad asked me if I was okay with all this, all I could say was I'm fine. What was I supposed to say? No, acually I'm really freaking out in the inside. I mean my sister could go to jail for up to a year. How the hell am I supposed to be okay with this? I can't tell them how I really feel because I'd have to admit that I haven't been okay for a whole year, ever since that day she cut herself things haven't been the same.

Well I'm too tired to be talking about this anymore.

Later.


i've changed so much lately.
every single day i wake up different.
i feel like i'm fading with each step i take.
all everyone else sees are smiles;
they say i'm doing much better,
but i know i'm doing much worse

I've been sick for days now. My head keeps pounding and pounding. None of the medcations I'm taking are working. All I've been doing is laying down and trying to sleep. I feel like I'm dying. This is the first time that I've been able to sit up without my head exloding. Hopefully I get better soon.


XOXO

I'm so tired today. Work was boooorrrriiinnnggg. All did was count shit all day. Yeah boring. I wanted to shoot myself. People kept coming up to the door wanting to come in. I was like uh where the hell were you when we needed you. It's actually really funny that people kept trying to open the door when there were like five signs saying we're closed. Yeah idiot try to yank it open, give it another yank maybe it will open if you do it hard enough. I swear people are idiots.

Anyway I'm sooo tired. I'm gonna go to sleep...

Boys will break your heart. Friends will betray you. Parents will seem too strict and life will annoy you. But you should always remember that there's a purpose for these things to be happening to us. So keep your head up and your spirits high because if you don't, life will just pass you by.